Dear Ma

Dear Ma,

It’s been a month since you left us. To say that it’s been devastating is a huge understatement. Every moment without you is wrought with a constant fear, the inexplicable feeling of falling down a bottomless pit and a deep sense of loneliness – pure, unadulterated loneliness, even in the most crowded of places. Words can’t describe the void you have left in our lives.

All we can do is sift through your photos, try to remember fleeting moments, and replay them in our minds.

But please don’t let this upset you. Because wherever you are, our utmost desire is that you be happy and at peace.

I just wanted to tell you that we miss you. And just so you know, we love you – all of us – unconditionally, irrevocably,  boundlessly. Perhaps we never told you this but you have been a pillar of strength all your life – for Papa, for the three of us, and for every life that you touched.

Your entire life has been an inspiration. Despite getting married into a conservative family, you had the strength to stand for yourself. You brought us up to be no less than sons – making sure we got the best education, the best lifestyle and the best values. Thanks to you, we grew up to be strong, independent women – setting an example for all. And not once did you (or Papa) force marriage on us – to hell with societal norms.

You inculcated creativity in us by decorating our home – every inch of which reflects our impeccable taste, your eye for aesthetics and your love for life. Your flawless rangolis, hand-stitched pieces, and hand-crafted artwork will forever be treasured by us. Your exemplary dressing style will forever inspire us. Try as we might, your way with plants and gardening can never be emulated by us. And your faultless cooking? It will always be missed by all who knew you.

But most of all – it is your tinkling laughter, the mirth in your eyes and the exuberance you brought into any room you entered that will forever be etched in our minds. 

As for me, I feel like I’ve lost way more than just a mother. You were my best friend, my confidante, my everything. I hope you knew but you were my biggest supporter and inspiration. All my achievements, all my aspirations, all my dreams – you are the reason behind them all.

In fact, you are the reason for all I am today.

From persuading me to go to SRCC, to sending me to the UK, to encouraging me to travel solo – you stood by me every step in life. You never let me feel I stay away from home – making sure you come and stay with me multiple times in a year. And every once in a while, I would receive a hand-stitched package from you – filled with goodies, not once letting me miss home. You supported me whole-heartedly in my desire to pursue tarot, blogging, art and what-not – never forcing me (or any of us) to go for more conventional options. You were by far, the biggest fan of my artwork and writing. And most importantly, you always encouraged me to voice my opinions, shine bright and be bold. For all these and more, I will be forever grateful.  

If I could be half the person you were, I would consider myself the luckiest person alive

I just have a tiny regret mumma, I wanted to make you very proud. I sincerely hope I was able to do so, in whatever way I could. But I had much bigger plans. If only I knew you had so little time, I would’ve done more, sooner.

I also wish you’d let me hug you one last time. Or at least see you or at least speak to you. Why you chose to depart when I was halfway across the globe will always confound me. But in life, we don’t always get answers for our questions and I will assume you had your reasons and leave it at that.

Life without you will never be normal. But you have left us, even in your absence, with so many valuable lessons. You’ve taught us, in your own way, the importance of cherishing relationships, because that’s all that matters. And so, don’t you worry about us. We will always take good care of each other and Papa.

And we know that you are always with us, smiling at us from above and taking care of us. And this is what keeps us all going.
You mean the world to us. Always did, always will.
Stay happy, Ma.

Your smallest,
S.

P.S. Here’s something I made for you. I hope you like it:

We don’t always realise this but I truly believe that the reason we are able to function normally is because we know, at the back of our minds, that our parents are fine, no matter how far they might be from us. The moment this stops being true, your entire world comes to a halt. You feel lost, alone and empty inside – a feeling I wish no one ever has to experience.

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