Life goes on.
A simple three letter phrase that seems so innocuous and yet, means so much. But only to those who get it.
Like everyone else, I too came across this saying many a times. And just like everyone else, I never quite understood the depth of it. Until recently.
When you lose someone dear to you, a part of you wants to hold on to that moment. That moment when your grief is at its peak. That moment when you have not yet internalized the loss. When you are still trying to grasp it. When it hurts the most. Not because your are sadistic. But because that is the only time you remember them in technicolor. And you want to hold onto it.
You want Life to pause. But it is just then, that it decides to “go on”.
Irrespective of how much you want things to be still, they progress. And then there is this other part of you, which welcomes this, in a bid to fill the void and because others tell you how important it is to ‘move on’.
Days turn into weeks, which turn into months. Life goes back to ‘normal’ of whatever that word means now. On the surface, you function as before. You wake up in the morning, brush your teeth, deliberate over what to order for lunch, wonder what to wear, or what to gift your friend on her birthday.
Frivolous as these things are, they take up precious space in your mind. You breathe, eat and drink, same as before. The first part of you hates it, ‘coz at some level, it means you are losing touch with that special someone.
You want to move on, and yet, you don’t.
Everyday, your memories become hazier and recede further back into the dark recesses of your mind. You want to go back to that initial moment of grief, to drown yourself in sadness and pain, and yet, you’ve come too far now to go back to the start. Too far ahead to slide back.
And there’s nothing you can do about it. Because Life doesn’t listen to either part of you. It does what it does best. It goes on. And so you do what you do best. You numb the pain and carry on. So, while on the inside you are screaming in pain, to others you look the same.
Because no matter how big your loss might be, Life goes on.
If you know anyone who is dealing with loss or grief, I request you to share this post with them, so they know they are not the only ones feeling this way.